October 07, 2016

WHY IS MY WIFE DOING THIS TO ME?

...she's too proud, can't apologize no matter what she did wrong.
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion.

Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this...

We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. 

We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I check the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. 

We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. 

Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal. I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (we talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). 

Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the [so many] previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

What do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me [several times] out of place?
We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with.

- Mr K.

...below is a friend's suggestion to the husband:
Next time she cooks with ingredients you don't like, simply don't eat. Don't make a fuss, just say you're not hungry and go make yourself something else. When she eventually comes to her sense and ask what's wrong, tell her:

'I'm not one of those guys. I'm not going to turn your life into a living hell. I love you, but when you refuse to listen to wise counsel and don't see the need to apologise when it's obvious you are wrong, it hurts me. Don't use your hand to scatter this home.'

8 comments:

eniola lawal said...

Issokay

Michael Ngene said...

Man, you are such a nag.so she has the item in the house but did not use it in the food served to you.

ats three said...

VERY NICE RESPONSE. Pride goes before a fall.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate you man for the efforts you have made to make your marriage work. You don't need to involve a 3rd party in your marriage as such person will advise you on what he or she cannot tolerate or practice in his or her home. The onus still lies on you to continue to let her know your dislikes. It takes a lot of time for women to have an attitudinal change and it is through constant ringing of the bell and corrections that drives in the message. You may take a weekend to prepare the food for the two of you, then in the process you let her know exactly what you want and if she continues with such uncare attitude you may then decide to either eat outside or you prepare your food by yourself for few days. If such does not change her attitude then you may have to report her to her parent as the last resort. Most of these ladies nowadays are the same

Anonymous said...

Some women are like that they only like to do what is in their mindnot what u want them to do

inumidun said...

She's just headstrong n bullheaded, causing russ 4 no reason..

Harbolarkale Niyi said...

I agreed with that suggestion

Omobayo Omotunmiba said...

Brother to be sincere with you, u don't need 3rd party and don't report her to her parent. Women are same, reporting her is creating another problem, to me cook your food by yourself and love her as before, u take her as she is. Don't destroy your home, don't allow anybody to mislead u. If u don't want to cook by your self, whenever she is cooking stay with her in the kitchen, u make joke with her, play with her and when she want to put something u don't like, call her by lovely name(my love) don't put this one. Brother u don't have problem with your wife, just for u to know how u manage her