November 22, 2016

Female Pastor Who's Pregnant But Not Married Says She's Not Ashamed She Had Sex

Unmarried but pregnant, female pastor Desiree Allen takes a stand for herself on the pulpit in church regardless of peoples criticism. She said "this type of stuff happen in church."

American Pastor Desiree Allen put up a post titled “On Being a Pastor and Pregnant (and Why I Can’t Carry Your Weight)” and in it she revealed that she is unmarried, a Pastor and pregnant.

Her post details how she has been dealing with all the criticism and negativity and how she thinks there’s a double standard when it comes to s*x outside of marriage.

She's flaunting her pregnancy. Read her defense below...
I found out I was pregnant at the happiest place on earth. It was Mother’s Day and I was on vacation at Disney World. Go figure. I noticed my normally regular period hadn’t come which is usually no biggie. I would chalk it up to stress. Except now, thanks to acupuncture, I was used to it coming like clockwork. It’s only day one I told myself. It’ll come tomorrow. And it did, but only stopped by for a brief visit before disappearing into the abyss. I waited for her to come back. She never did. 
The next day, I did what any normal sane woman would do. Scoured the resort for pregnancy tests like a madwoman. I went to every store on my resort AND the sister resort. Not a test in sight. No not one. How is this the happiest place on earth and you not expect people to get pregnant or need a pregnancy test? How do you have the mind to have a chip at the bottom of my cup that electronically determines how many more refills I have at the soda machine, but not sell an EPT Pregnancy Test? Or at least a Disney knock-off brand. I wasn’t giving up. I went to the front desk. They always have extra shoelaces, cans of beans or whatever you need. Maybe just maybe they had a pregnancy test. Nope, but the lady at the front did discreetly let me know there was an offsite pharmacy that would deliver these “sorts of things” to the resort for a fee. She slipped me the card like she was passing me a bag of weed and k2. 
Was I really this desperate? You know I was. I placed the order and waited for a test to confirm what I already knew. 
I was pregnant. My immediate reaction was shock. This was not planned. Yes, I know it’s a potential consequence of having s*x, but not one readily expected. With the exception of living a pretty much celibate lifestyle in my twenties I had been having s*x on and off since I was 15 and had never been pregnant. In fact, I assumed when I was ready it would be very hard for me to conceive. Boy did I miscalculate that.
After the initial shock was joy. Yet, underneath something else was lingering. Anger? No. Disappointment? No. It was pure and utter dread. Not at being pregnant. Not at whether or not I would be a good mother. What had my stomach turning, other than nausea, was me being pregnant AND a pastor. Let’s face it. The church has not had a good track record of accepting unmarried women who got pregnant. If you’ve been in church for any period of time you’ve heard or witnessed the aftermath. Shunning, slut shaming, being sat down from your position, having to go up in front of the church and confess your sin, etc. etc. No one can be naïve enough to say this type of stuff doesn’t happen in church. An ugly truth is people in church leadership have s*x outside of marriage, affairs, do drugs, drink, so on and so forth. Generally, these are not considered acceptable acts. 
BUT I have seen many churches turn a blind eye to this behavior, because it can be hidden. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. To be pregnant is a very visible indication of a private act and for some reason provides people with more of a need to respond. 
You may as well Scarlet Letter it up and place a big ole S on your chest for s*x Hester Prynne style. “The church” is already harsher on women for their “crimes,” but being a pastor also meant that both me and my fiancé were going to go through this publicly. I didn’t know what that meant, how it would affect my job and if I was prepared to deal with it.

Pregnancy already inherently diminishes some anonymity as people feel it their right to invade your personal space, offer up unsolicited advice and ask you private questions. Pastorship inherently makes some feel your personal life is their public business as you lose some sense of individuality for the sake of belonging to the church. As a pretty private person I had always struggled with the latter. Adding pregnancy seemed like my worse nightmare. 
It was not as if I had a blueprint for this in my church. My pastors had been very open about having their first child while unmarried in college. That was more than 20 years ago. They were young. None of us were there. They were not pastors then. It was in the past enough to be hazy memory and turn into a testimony. Many of us know the struggles we have had in the past. For many, it’s what brought us to church. Yet, as soon as we get far enough away from our struggles to label them “redeemable” or for them not to be in the forefront of our minds it becomes much easier to give someone else the side eye for behavior we don’t agree with. It is often easier to NOT afford others the grace we were so freely offered. I had experienced people judge everything from my clothing to social media posts fully aware that if it had been another pastor they would’ve gotten a pass. My apprehension was not unwarranted and although privately excited I was concerned about public persona. I did a lot of wrestling that week. I came to grips with the reality that part of the monster in my head was created by me. My past. My upbringing. What I was taught about the bible. 
I realized I had some baggage and I wanted to deal with this pregnancy on my own terms regardless of how people felt or responded. In those first few months I decided I couldn’t carry the weight of others’ opinions and judgments including my own. I also had to confront the ways in which I judged others based on their decisions and actions. I decided I was going to walk with my head held high, because I was proud and excited to be pregnant. Often, when people think you’ve done something wrong or have sinned they want you to walk around with your head low in guilt. Otherwise, how would THEY know you were sorry? Well, I wasn’t sorry or ashamed. Shame and happiness cannot reside in the same place. I decided to only surround myself with those who had positive energy. I knew there would be rough days, but I also knew the good would outweigh the bad. So when the first comment was made about my pregnancy being an abomination I wasn’t bothered, because it wasn’t MY truth. Plus who uses abomination anyway? Can we say antiquated? 
I had a choice on how to define my own happy and write my own story. I thought about the women who were belittled in their churches for being pregnant. The women who felt abortion was a better option than humiliation. The girl or young women of a pastor forced into abortion, because the family couldn’t handle the shame. The woman who left the church permanently because the members couldn’t accept her child. The woman who watched the same people who loved her each Sunday avoid her like a plague. The woman who would give up everything to be pregnant regardless of the circumstances and still finds her womb bare. So many women who may have made a different choice if they understood the power they had. If someone had told them, it was ok to make the best choice for them ignoring the outside voices. It would get better. They could outlive this. I understood what some people thought, what some scriptures said, but also the validity of my own experience. 
At three months I revealed my pregnancy to the staff at my church. It wasn’t planned. It was at our annual staff retreat. If you could see inside my mind you would have seen the warring back and forth. 
“Do it now.” 
“What? Are you crazy? This is not the time.” 
“It may not be your timing, but it IS the perfect time.” 
“Can’t I wait? Or tell them one by one?” 
“Well if you wanted to wait you shouldn’t have worn that dress. Come on. It will be like pulling off a Band-Aid. Have this conversation once and you won’t have to have it again.” 
“I’m nervous.” 
“You’ll be fine. The outcome will be better than expected.” 
The words kind of fell out of my mouth in front of everyone. I explained my joy and the importance this did not undo and diminish all the work and dedication I had put in for six years. I felt empowered. I shared what I wanted to share, how I wanted to share, own my own terms. I wasn’t responding to anyone or defending myself. I was standing in my truth. In a moment I will never forget, our executive pastor had the staff encircle around me and they begin to pray. A noise that can only be described as a wail left my mouth and I broke. To the point of needing a chair to sit in. I broke in the most beautiful way possible. In the breaking I was free. That ugly Jesus cry released every anxiety, fear and worry holding me down. They promised to protect me and support me. In that moment I saw God. It was a moment that transcended boundaries or judgment. It was pure love. I felt free. 
One of my favorite lines from The Scarlet Letter is: “She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.” I was carrying a lot of weight and baggage. The weight of what if. The weight of my upbringing. The weight of others’ opinions. The weight of judgment. It was heavy and I did the hard work of dropping that weight. I have no plans of picking it back up. 
So no, I cannot carry your weight about MY situation. Whoever you are. I have my own beautiful, amazing and miraculous weight to carry for the next few months and a lifetime.
I have preached throughout my pregnancy and will do so until I can no longer waddle on the stage.
Hmmm...may the good Lord have mercy.

26 comments:

Tornubari said...

A pastor for that matter ...what are we goin to learn from her?

Uyi Osamwonyi said...

This is really funny and imagine trying to defend her act..Na wow oh!!!
#GodSaveUsAll

Hassan Aderemi said...

Without mincing words what is bad is bad no alternate name for it, the men or women of God should lead by example not by precept, though let whoever that have not sin before cast the first stone, am not exonerating myself.

Chioma Ujo said...

#ENDTIMETHINGS Everybody makes mistakes but the ability to own up and feel remorseful is what everybody doesn't have.

Harbolarkale Niyi said...

Turning God words to other for their selfishness

Rahila Rabo said...

AMEN

Rahila Rabo said...

Amen

Ay360 said...

Lol, so what are we going 2 call dat one? Sin? Ofcourse its a sin 2 have a premarital sex, but only God knws who his true followers are?

DANNY801 said...

THERE IS GOD OO

richoco4u said...

She should deciving us by wanting to fine tune the bible..she has committed a sin and shld beg God for forgiveness. Even the bible say if you can't hold yourself go and marry...

Anonymous said...

Wonder shall never end

olisayemk said...

This is call fornication, and stop trying to justify your action. Go and mend your ways with God.

olisayemk said...

This is call fornication, and stop trying to justify your action. Go and mend your ways with God.

uju oyemelonu said...

a female pastor and single and pregnant. they will cover her face in other not to see the shame she's doing and carrying about, and her congregation will also blindly accept it. God help us

eniola lawal said...

Ahhhh

Anonymous said...

Pastors, Imams, Weed, Liquor, Threesome, even while pregnant, all cool for obodo oyibo.

Thom Egede said...

He who had no sin should cast the first stone. Judge not for the way you judg, shall also be metted out to you. Lady God bless you for being brave.

Jeff Kingsley Jr said...

Pls she is not a pastor u can turn the words of God to suit ur sinful act never

Omolara Johnson said...

Hmmmm.End time is more than near.

ope alliu said...

Hmmmm I reserve my comment.

Anonymous said...

Enter your comment...Nawa o

Rachy said...

@Thom Egede. Exactly, you have spoken rightly but unfortunately so many people do not understand.

Ololade said...

Na she Sabi !

the Preacherman said...

I hesitated before passing a comment on this pregnant single pastors post. haven read every words carefully, I feel obligated to comment. while It is not my duty to condemn anyone on what they do or do not, it is my business when it comes to my Jesus, this Pregnant single pastor is not a good example that any one who truly love God should follow, this is not a point of reference for what God expects from us. there is forgiveness for Sin in Christ. Heb 12:1 says. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us"

Ephe 5:2 says. "But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints;"

So I say, based on the Bible which we all read as Christians that God does not encourage us to sin but to overcome sin.
It is not befitting of a Christian pastor to trivialise sin. it cost Jesus his precious blood to secure our justification.
This write up does not glorify God, it does not portrays the beauty of repentance, it magnify the flesh and trivialise Sin.
I am embarrassed by it.

tony isah said...

Being a Pastor does not guarantee u a citizen of heaven,anybody can be tempted,it does not matter who u are,what matters is the ability to recognize that u have sin and sin no more.

Remi Abioye said...

God bless you for this well articulated comment. End time thing indeed. May God save us.